My little world

Sitting in my office alone

I start panicing

Palms sweat

Heart races

Body shakes

Out of breath

Why cant i just sit down and concentrate.

The ribbon i pass between my fingers is not working

The shoes i kick off are under my desk

What can i do to control these feelings?

Then i think

I think of times when this doesnt happen to me

I think of you

Once my mind is set on you

Palms are dry

Body is calm

Breathing rests

My heart still races

But that is because i’m happy

Thank you.

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Like riding a bike

You don’t forget

The run of the rat race

The repetitiveness of the day

I want to be inspired

I want to make a change

Making people happy

Making work feel like play

How can i do this?

How can dreams come true

I know how it will start

It will start by holding you.

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I’m thinking too much

What if

When will

Why not

I need to escape

Climb out of the hole

I’m thinking even now

This sounds like i’m sorry for my self

Why should i be

There are millions like me

I have a good life

But still i’m clouded

Maybe this is just what life is

Questions that are answered with questions

I no longer care what people think of me

I just want to know this for myself

Turn the corner

Reach the next level

And i want to do it

With the people i love

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I want to give everything to one person

To let her know she will be safe

Words do only go so far

Actions make us who we are

Together we lay in eachothers arms

Willing away the days when we are apart

The day i carry her across the threshold

Will show the love i have will never fold.

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Your understanding

Is making me smile

Knowing you are not alone, if only for awhile

What can I say

What can I do

My wish is for a life with no taboo

Showing all sides of our dice

Maybe it would be a gamble

But that would be a world i could definitely handle.

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If I tell you something

What do you hear

The truth

Lies

Or just sounds.

I want more

Feel what i tell you

Come to my level

Know that what i say is good

And then you will know me.

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Open your eyes

I will show you the world

Not the one you know

The free world

Full of life

Colours and smiles

A place were you will be

Safe, loved

And forever one with me.

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What do you do

When something is blocking your path

Will you go around

Would you go over

While you make up your mind

Wish for the best

Wise men will tell you, good things happen to those who…

Wait.

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I sit and stare.

I touch your cheek with my finger tips.

And stroke down to your neck.

I move my hand and lightly kiss where it once was.

I can feel you gasp.

A sharp intake of breath as you feel your heart begins to race.

You are mine as we embrace.

As, I lay you down upon my bed.

Relax, its a long night ahead.

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Time to breathe

Space to enjoy

Love to revel in

Mind to free

Heat to feel

Water to rush around

Night to cool

Days to chill

You to kiss

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Breathe in

Cant breathe out

Breathe in

Cant breathe out

Looking for help

Eyes bulging

Scared

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When i start getting creative it means 1 of 2 things

I’m bored

I want to make money doing something i enjoy

And now a musical?

Thats 2 out of 2.

I can see the stage

Some of the characters

The stories that will intertwine

Think an older skins, mid twenties

These are not kids

They are now adults

Friday night is the night they release the tensions

Conversations are deep

Drugs are there, but are only a side story for maybe 1 person

Searching for what they are meant to be

Different stories will have different endings

Depending on the show maybe?

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Starts with 5/6 POV’s – laid out across the stage

Getting ready

Talking on the phone / with friends

Drugs

Drink

A knife

Plans are made for the party

BREAK

The party

Stories unfold

Funny leading into dramatic

BREAK

Day after the night before

More plans to follow

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My thoughts consist of

A beginning

The idea

The middle

My opinions

And thats it.

My thoughts do not have an end

Experience will lead me there

Once i have found the end

My story will be complete

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Sit down and do this

How can i do this

I want to do this or this

This would be fun

This will have to wait

This is important

Prioritise this

How about i do this and you can do this

Oh this is naughty

This is what i’m doing tonight

Over here i see this

What was i doing again?

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I will lead you

I will show you the way

My views and opinions you will take as truth

You will believe in me

You will look up to me

My words will keep you safe

Keep you moving in the right direction

I will be there when you fail

Helping you

Bettering you

Until i am gone and you are ready to lead

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Lay down

Eyes closed

A pulse of euphoria begins

Feeling warm, relaxed

Body floats from the grass

Into space

Alone now

This is my peace

I want to share it with you

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Heavy weight on my shoulders

A rush of heat down my forearms

Pulsing pain at the end of my fingers

Someone is pushing on my chest

The drugs are working

My headache is gone

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Learn from your mistakes 2.0

Improve 2.3

Learn 2.5

Grown 2.8

Make new mistakes 3.0

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I have lots of thoughts

Rushing around inside my head

If i was to empty it

What would land on the table would be

Numbers

Letters

Pictures

And maybe even some fully formed words and sentences

Once they are on the table

I would piece them together like a jigsaw

Finding my real feelings on matters that i didnt know i even had feelings about

What i am trying to do here is help myself finish this jigsaw while its still in my head

I’m going to start with the corners

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I am in a rage

Fire in my stomach

Pain in my neck

Wanting to run

Pushing me

It demands a reaction

But i will hold it in

I will smile

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2000

I was scared

I was relieved

I was worried

I was crushed

I was lost

I was supportive

I then cracked

I then cried

2008

he was scared

he was relieved

he was worried

he is crushed

I will support

I will help

I still cry

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They are laughing

I fall silent

No eyes on me now

I have been stripped

Nothing more to give

Time to move on

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Done.

Finished.

Completed.

Sorted.

But what about this?

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How long until this will be done.
When will this be finished.
What is next.
Am i there.
How can you feel complete.
I can do anything given time.
How long have i got.
To stay on the same road or follow other thoughts.
Who is first.
Action or to wait.
Truth sounds good.
Does it work in practice.
Practice is just repeating what you already know.
Again and again.
Chasing your own tail until you just dont know where you are anymore.
More you learn the less you know.
Less you know the less you have to show for it.
If you can not show whats in your head how can you explain your actions.
Action is to go, what camera is to set.
Set yourself up for a fall then fly high.

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Wake up.

Feel the aching pulse from the back of your head down your spine.

You move.

Realisation kicks in.

Its another day, just like the last.

Did you rest? Or is this still the continuation of the days before.

No more memories, just grey.

You move through your day, looking around.

Can you get pass this?

Where is the door?

Where is the exit to something more?

Darkness falls. The day is done.

Close your eyes. Dreams will come.

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I’m nearly there. face is nearly how it would be if i wasnt born with cleft.
Thats all i’ve wanted since i could understand about what was different about me. But for something that has shaped my life like this has, i dont feel too excited that it is over.
Operations and hospital visits have been about since day one.
Once i have this last operation will i lose a part of myself?
Since my last operation i have changed into a new more confident man.
But when the stitches fall out this time i’m going to learn how to be me, without the dark cloud that is cleft lip letting me think that there is another step before i can be happy, before i can be me.
This will be it.
Until i want children.

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